The Book of Good Life

As we are already a ways into the Ten Days of Repentance, the time from when Rosh Hashanah begins until Yom Kippur, I have found myself thinking a lot about how to reflect on my not-so-proud moments of the past year, how to make them right, and how I can better myself for the future. I don't know about anyone else, but I have always found it difficult to apologize to someone. During this critical period, when apologizing for our misdeeds should be about as bountiful as blinking our eyes, I am finding myself having a difficult time remember who I have wronged and what I should repent for. I feel like I just need to apologize to everyone, but how impersonal is the "I'm sorry to everyone I've ever hurt" you see on someone's Facebook? Part of the deal is getting the person's forgiveness, and how can you do that through a one way social media post? I want to know that I am forgiven, and whether you think you are right or wrong, apologizing to and making amends with someone is a huge thing. I feel like H-shem realizes how hard it is, and we get rewarded for these difficult challenges.
On a different note, how can we know that we are sealed for a good year? How can we know if we are written to live or die? That is a question that I have been struggling with for a while now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the answer that I want. I guess there really isn't a way to know. I have come to the conclusion that our bitachon is what will get us through these times of confusion and doubt, and there are times when we just have to daven, daven, and daven some more that H-shem will write and seal us in the book of good life.
It is impossible for us to know where our path is headed. We may think we are going one way, and then end up doing something completely different. For example, I changed my major  just before Shabbos (yes, as a senior in college), and now I am graduating a whole semester earlier than originally planned aka GOING TO ISRAEL!!! What a different route I am on than I thought I would be even 6 months ago! So while we do teshuva and ask H-shem that we be sealed for a good year, we must trust in Him that whatever happens is for the good and that all we can do is work on bettering ourselves and everything else will fall into place exactly how it's meant to be. G'mar chatima tova. 

Back in the Saddle

So it's been a while, but I've wanted to post again for a few days now, so here it goes. Everyone likes to think that when they come back from Israel they will keep up with everything that they started doing while they were in Israel. What I mean to say is that when we go to Israel we are all uplifted and are normally able to keep more mitzvos than we were in the past, at least that's how it is for me. The same held true with this past trip. I was learning on a frequent basis, davening more, etc. When I came home, I just knew that this was going to be the time that I would hold to all of these things and that nothing, not even my assimilated environment in Bloomington, IN could tear me away from the new mitzvos I had taken on and meant so much to me. While all these mitzvos are still VERY important to me, I will admit that coming back to the "real world" has been a bit of a shock. Every day is a challenge. Do I go out with my friends for brunch at 11 am even though I haven't had time to daven Shacharis yet? Or do I hold to my beliefs and say, "Can you please wait for me to go eat?" And if they say no, do I ditch the davening? Or do I forgo brunch? This kind of thing has been a daily struggle for me since I've been back, but figuring out where I am holding is a process. Baruch H-shem I feel much more confident and proud of my Judaism than the last time I returned from a trip to Israel. And this is definitely with great thanks to my time spent at EYAHT where I was instilled with so much pride and knowledge that has helped me to be holding where I am. When friends question what I wear, what I eat, or how I live my life, I have answers, and even if they don't like my answers, I am comfortable with myself and I trust in H-shem enough to know that I just have to do me, no matter what other people may think at times.
As I go on my daily bumpy road, I am grateful for the challenges that I am given. I know that with every challenge comes a greater reward, and with each difficulty I am able to overcome, with the help of my Rabbis, Rebbetzins, and H-shem, I know that I am doing the right thing.
I am learning Rabbi Dessler's Strive for the Truth with my Rabbi, and it talks about Behirah and free will. This section of the book feels so relevant to my life right now. Every Jewish-related decision I make involves behirah (choice) and my free will. Do I buy the yogurt at Kroger without a hechsher (a kosher symbol) even though it's cold dairy and that's where I'm holding right now? When I can say no and wait for the yogurt to be restocked with the hechshered yogurts (which I did this past week!), that is a decision that involves my free will that H-shem gave me. It is one of the reasons I am on this planet, to make free will decisions, and when I can raise my level of behirah then I know that I am moving in the right direction.
So in this month of El Ul as we are all trying to better ourselves, I am grateful to the people in my life that are supportive of me as I try to work on myself. Without your support and care, I would be no where.