Back in the Saddle

So it's been a while, but I've wanted to post again for a few days now, so here it goes. Everyone likes to think that when they come back from Israel they will keep up with everything that they started doing while they were in Israel. What I mean to say is that when we go to Israel we are all uplifted and are normally able to keep more mitzvos than we were in the past, at least that's how it is for me. The same held true with this past trip. I was learning on a frequent basis, davening more, etc. When I came home, I just knew that this was going to be the time that I would hold to all of these things and that nothing, not even my assimilated environment in Bloomington, IN could tear me away from the new mitzvos I had taken on and meant so much to me. While all these mitzvos are still VERY important to me, I will admit that coming back to the "real world" has been a bit of a shock. Every day is a challenge. Do I go out with my friends for brunch at 11 am even though I haven't had time to daven Shacharis yet? Or do I hold to my beliefs and say, "Can you please wait for me to go eat?" And if they say no, do I ditch the davening? Or do I forgo brunch? This kind of thing has been a daily struggle for me since I've been back, but figuring out where I am holding is a process. Baruch H-shem I feel much more confident and proud of my Judaism than the last time I returned from a trip to Israel. And this is definitely with great thanks to my time spent at EYAHT where I was instilled with so much pride and knowledge that has helped me to be holding where I am. When friends question what I wear, what I eat, or how I live my life, I have answers, and even if they don't like my answers, I am comfortable with myself and I trust in H-shem enough to know that I just have to do me, no matter what other people may think at times.
As I go on my daily bumpy road, I am grateful for the challenges that I am given. I know that with every challenge comes a greater reward, and with each difficulty I am able to overcome, with the help of my Rabbis, Rebbetzins, and H-shem, I know that I am doing the right thing.
I am learning Rabbi Dessler's Strive for the Truth with my Rabbi, and it talks about Behirah and free will. This section of the book feels so relevant to my life right now. Every Jewish-related decision I make involves behirah (choice) and my free will. Do I buy the yogurt at Kroger without a hechsher (a kosher symbol) even though it's cold dairy and that's where I'm holding right now? When I can say no and wait for the yogurt to be restocked with the hechshered yogurts (which I did this past week!), that is a decision that involves my free will that H-shem gave me. It is one of the reasons I am on this planet, to make free will decisions, and when I can raise my level of behirah then I know that I am moving in the right direction.
So in this month of El Ul as we are all trying to better ourselves, I am grateful to the people in my life that are supportive of me as I try to work on myself. Without your support and care, I would be no where.